The circumstances of my life have some what changed during my absence. I am still a self proclaimed hikikomori and overall xenophobe but I have made ventures to improve myself, however minor.
First I have been volunteering at the library in my neighborhood and they like me so much that they offered me a job as Senior Page for their branch. I think it will be fun I'll mostly be working nights so I won't be around too many people and I've already adjusted to my work mates.
Second I have been taking part in the teenage past time of "hanging out" with my friend J. He's a bit of a pain but I'm guessing if I can get used to him I can get used to anything.
Third I have been cooking. This isn't shocking or new but I've been cooking for family and "friends" and it helps with my awkwardness. People really like what I cook and I really like to bake.
Looking toward the future school starts tomorrow for me. I have been preparing for it all week because it is my last year in High School. I'm looking forward to college and moving out. With this last year I have a very strict schedule due Advanced Placement classes. No one likes having them and the few that do hate it later on. I was semi-guilted by my history teacher. She was fearing the extinction of her AP Government class and I could never say no to a person that loves history as much as she does.
So my uniform is ready, my satchel is packed and my playlists are set for that hour and half bus ride to school tomorrow.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Friday, July 2, 2010
Emotional Difficulties
I am to blame for my own misfortune and I am to blame for my joy.
Each passing hour more difficulties reveal I am his little toy.
I am sorry for the absence it would seem that many things have lead to my derailment. My life so far has become quite average and interesting all at once and I am not quite sure how or why I am under going these...changes. I have always considered myself to be quite emotionless and very achieved at hiding that fact. However as my friendship with the opposite sex continues to develop and expand I find myself at a loss for words. But as you can see I have over come that no longer taxing issue. No now I shall regale you with my adventures thus far.
First I have to attend summer school because my sloth like behavior this year has finally caught up with me now that I am more vulnerable in this heat. Also it would seem that my "friends" of the opposite sex have multiplied and instead of being associated with just three young men I am now "friends" nine young men...it is not as glamorous as it seems. And for the last month my male friend J has sent me a text every single day ever since he procured from our mutual "friend" and puppet master Cam. Finally I ended my junior year with a possibility of affection for J.
And that is how life has been for the last few weeks a nightmare. My female associates from school believe that I may end up dating J, and I find my self thinking about it more and more since the idea has been presented. It would appear that I am no longer my empty emotionless self but a person with affections who dwindles on false hopes. I find myself thinking about dating but in truth I don't want to date my first friend. That's right not quotation marks just friend. J is an enthusiast about writing, reading, cheesecake and coffee which are things that make him and me great friends. But he is promiscuous and naughty for lack of a better word and even though I don't care much for anyone's sexual history I take all these things and more into account before I speak to him. What makes it worse, this flurry of thoughts described as emotions, is that they don't cease and he knows. He has an odd grasp on who I am. And every night that he sends me a message he wants to know more and more and more about me. Its coming to the point that he just calls me to save the strain on both of our phones and fingers.
And so it is I am riddled with emotion and it appears to be an affliction that has been long over due my only fear is how long will this last?
Each passing hour more difficulties reveal I am his little toy.
I am sorry for the absence it would seem that many things have lead to my derailment. My life so far has become quite average and interesting all at once and I am not quite sure how or why I am under going these...changes. I have always considered myself to be quite emotionless and very achieved at hiding that fact. However as my friendship with the opposite sex continues to develop and expand I find myself at a loss for words. But as you can see I have over come that no longer taxing issue. No now I shall regale you with my adventures thus far.
First I have to attend summer school because my sloth like behavior this year has finally caught up with me now that I am more vulnerable in this heat. Also it would seem that my "friends" of the opposite sex have multiplied and instead of being associated with just three young men I am now "friends" nine young men...it is not as glamorous as it seems. And for the last month my male friend J has sent me a text every single day ever since he procured from our mutual "friend" and puppet master Cam. Finally I ended my junior year with a possibility of affection for J.
And that is how life has been for the last few weeks a nightmare. My female associates from school believe that I may end up dating J, and I find my self thinking about it more and more since the idea has been presented. It would appear that I am no longer my empty emotionless self but a person with affections who dwindles on false hopes. I find myself thinking about dating but in truth I don't want to date my first friend. That's right not quotation marks just friend. J is an enthusiast about writing, reading, cheesecake and coffee which are things that make him and me great friends. But he is promiscuous and naughty for lack of a better word and even though I don't care much for anyone's sexual history I take all these things and more into account before I speak to him. What makes it worse, this flurry of thoughts described as emotions, is that they don't cease and he knows. He has an odd grasp on who I am. And every night that he sends me a message he wants to know more and more and more about me. Its coming to the point that he just calls me to save the strain on both of our phones and fingers.
And so it is I am riddled with emotion and it appears to be an affliction that has been long over due my only fear is how long will this last?
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A Shut-In in Human Clothing
The past few weeks have been different to the life I've lead in the past.
As things would have it I have attained companions of the opposite sex and to be honest after three years of "friendship" with females there is little to no difference between the genders.
There have been subtle changes in myself and I am unsure if they are attributed to my new "friends". I usually do not consider any type of companionship as a necessity but my male friends have some how or another coaxed me from my home every weekend to "hang out" or "chill" which usually results in J taking his shirt and shoes off and M floating around with his headphones and making polite conversation.
"Friends" are inconvenient no matter what gender they are.
As things would have it I have attained companions of the opposite sex and to be honest after three years of "friendship" with females there is little to no difference between the genders.
There have been subtle changes in myself and I am unsure if they are attributed to my new "friends". I usually do not consider any type of companionship as a necessity but my male friends have some how or another coaxed me from my home every weekend to "hang out" or "chill" which usually results in J taking his shirt and shoes off and M floating around with his headphones and making polite conversation.
I am sure you are wondering how I ended up in this situation but the truth is I never thought I had to see these people more than once but not many things go according to plan when dealing with people for an extended amount of time. It started after school when my "friend" Cam invited me to meet some of her 'guy friends' I decided there could be no harm in this and of course I was wrong. I ended having fun even though I ended up lost with J in Central Park while he was shirtless and shoeless and we were both without cellphones. Cam was worried but happy that I got along with her friends. Little did I know that this one meeting would lead to me consoling M when Cam turned him down and proofreading J's fifty page novel. But I think it's taking a toll on me, I am not partial to being around people everyday and being companions with them apparently means I have to make up for the lost time during the week in the weekend.
"Friends" are inconvenient no matter what gender they are.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
The Greatest Day Undocumented
I've been absent due to a surge of drama through my group of "friends".
Although I must admit it was the closest I have ever been to actually inflicting physical pain on another human being in three years. However I don't want to retell the tumultuous tale of my first adventure with female drama but I will tell about the greatest day of my seventeenth year, on April 23.
Anyone who has attended Panther High will tell you that any reason to get out the classroom is a good one. So how does Panther High satiate this need? Its called Discovery Day (that's the actual name), a day when all 612 students and 60 faculty and staff attend trips in Manhattan and Queens, mostly in Manhattan though. The trip I was set up with was American Royalty to this day I haven't the slightest clue what happens during this trip or how much it costs exactly but I can say that due to a mishap on my permission slip I was not permitted to join my classmates.
I was stranded or so I thought. I wasn't angry, I saw the situation for what it was annoying. I had a bag of over priced skittles, an $11 metro-card, a purse with some books and a debit card with no place to go. At that moment my friend Cam hopped off the 40 bus and I accompanied her to school where I put in a call to my mother to inquire what was her take on the predicament. She told me to go to the city and stay there for lunch and then go to a movie theater until curfew (21:00). That sounds easy but it was after seven o'clock in the morning when mom told me that and I don't know how long I can stay in the city with that many people bustling around. So I left Cam in the caf and walked to the express bus that would have taken me to a trip with people that I probably didn't know, I started toward 42nd Street which took an hour. During this hour I read a book my friend recommended and I am far to embarrassed to admit it but it was Twilight, its not what you think I am not a Twilight Saga fanatic. I was recommended the series because of my expressed cynicism over the wave of vampire fanatics due to the all too juvenile romance between a vampire and a human depicted in the series which I took no effort to read before making such a judgment and for that my deep apologies Miss Stephenie Meyer. So I read and watched the streets pull each other into my sight and when I reached my destination I popped out of the bus in front of Bryant Park which is across the street from the New York City Library which is the best place in the world if you ask me but for some reason I could not approach this beautiful building and went about my travels.
First I searched for my favorite store, Book Off . Book Off is a Japanese book store that buys and sell books. I bout two manga, graphic novels, and then went to Kinokuniya another Japanese book store which is ten times more expensive because it is very high end. Then I took my shopping bag of books and got lunch on 43rd with a very big smile on my face as I walked passed a group of girls from my school mid tour.
After this I went to AMC theater in the Bronx and stayed there for hours watching numerous movies and taking in a lot of sugar.First I saw "the Diary of a Wimpy Kid" out of sheer curiosity only to find myself sitting in the theater alone with nothing but my nachos and comments to keep company for two hours and you may find it perplexing but it was a very enjoyable experience due to the fact it was a large, empty, dark room. The only complaint I have is the fact that when there are no people around the sound of the speakers is more intense as there are less things for it to bounce off of. After that I watched "Kick-Ass" twice because I enjoy violence profanity more than I thought I did. I saw "Why Did I Get Married" which I found very interesting because the ending was...unexpected. Last but not least "Death at a Funeral" was on my list of must sees and I must admit Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence do not disappoint.
And that is the greatest day that almost went undocumented.
My first day as a somewhat regular person.
Although I must admit it was the closest I have ever been to actually inflicting physical pain on another human being in three years. However I don't want to retell the tumultuous tale of my first adventure with female drama but I will tell about the greatest day of my seventeenth year, on April 23.
Anyone who has attended Panther High will tell you that any reason to get out the classroom is a good one. So how does Panther High satiate this need? Its called Discovery Day (that's the actual name), a day when all 612 students and 60 faculty and staff attend trips in Manhattan and Queens, mostly in Manhattan though. The trip I was set up with was American Royalty to this day I haven't the slightest clue what happens during this trip or how much it costs exactly but I can say that due to a mishap on my permission slip I was not permitted to join my classmates.
I was stranded or so I thought. I wasn't angry, I saw the situation for what it was annoying. I had a bag of over priced skittles, an $11 metro-card, a purse with some books and a debit card with no place to go. At that moment my friend Cam hopped off the 40 bus and I accompanied her to school where I put in a call to my mother to inquire what was her take on the predicament. She told me to go to the city and stay there for lunch and then go to a movie theater until curfew (21:00). That sounds easy but it was after seven o'clock in the morning when mom told me that and I don't know how long I can stay in the city with that many people bustling around. So I left Cam in the caf and walked to the express bus that would have taken me to a trip with people that I probably didn't know, I started toward 42nd Street which took an hour. During this hour I read a book my friend recommended and I am far to embarrassed to admit it but it was Twilight, its not what you think I am not a Twilight Saga fanatic. I was recommended the series because of my expressed cynicism over the wave of vampire fanatics due to the all too juvenile romance between a vampire and a human depicted in the series which I took no effort to read before making such a judgment and for that my deep apologies Miss Stephenie Meyer. So I read and watched the streets pull each other into my sight and when I reached my destination I popped out of the bus in front of Bryant Park which is across the street from the New York City Library which is the best place in the world if you ask me but for some reason I could not approach this beautiful building and went about my travels.
First I searched for my favorite store, Book Off . Book Off is a Japanese book store that buys and sell books. I bout two manga, graphic novels, and then went to Kinokuniya another Japanese book store which is ten times more expensive because it is very high end. Then I took my shopping bag of books and got lunch on 43rd with a very big smile on my face as I walked passed a group of girls from my school mid tour.
After this I went to AMC theater in the Bronx and stayed there for hours watching numerous movies and taking in a lot of sugar.First I saw "the Diary of a Wimpy Kid" out of sheer curiosity only to find myself sitting in the theater alone with nothing but my nachos and comments to keep company for two hours and you may find it perplexing but it was a very enjoyable experience due to the fact it was a large, empty, dark room. The only complaint I have is the fact that when there are no people around the sound of the speakers is more intense as there are less things for it to bounce off of. After that I watched "Kick-Ass" twice because I enjoy violence profanity more than I thought I did. I saw "Why Did I Get Married" which I found very interesting because the ending was...unexpected. Last but not least "Death at a Funeral" was on my list of must sees and I must admit Chris Rock and Martin Lawrence do not disappoint.
And that is the greatest day that almost went undocumented.
My first day as a somewhat regular person.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Monday's Bliss
I mean it though, the bliss. On Mondays I feel relief because my mannerisms are excused as a disgruntled reaction to the deceased weekend. When it's Monday I don't have to assume the facade too quickly. I read as I walked, ignoring everyone an being totally justified.
By 8:15 the facade is completely sealed, not a seam loose to be yanked on thrusting me into the fetal position.
I get through my first class of the morning, Religion, listening to my two group members reveal sex lives. One had been sex-sober for three months and the other regaled us with the joys of sex in the shower, simply put I could not reciprocate as I have been sexually sober all seventeen years of my life.
However I find it interesting that everyone confides in me as if they know that my lips were not meant to gossip.
Bell. Homeroom, loud, bustling, hovering.
Elections were fogging up the atmosphere everyone want some grip of power because senior year is coming. Senior year.
I kept my head down feigning sleep and boredom, I've lost interest in maintaining my homeroom "companions." My head perched on my forearm listening, my body shaking as life pulsed through it, my hair tickling my nose my right hand pushing it away.
"Ladies, language!" perked my ears for a moment but the rabble continued, this life continued.
My lids encased my eyes, and I am watching still calculating every movement by ear, no one is subtle.
Bell. Algebra, cold seat.
Algebra is the class that conflicts me the most. I put on another facet, the defiant student but lately the stitches of this facade have frayed revealing my distaste for defiance and my joy of learning.
So Algebra rolled by with grunts and complaints and the prolonged "Uhms," when the confusion set in; every teachers dream I'm sure.
The interesting aspect of the classroom was that all the desks faced a large center aisle, one side of the room looking at the other. The conversations across the room are the most interesting. Whenever I find myself dazed my eyes would flicker across the faces of my classmates reading their expressions. However I looked at their moves today, concealing gum, lollipops, wrapped around pen caps or hidden behind hands or heads. Odd I know.
SAE smiled at me as I shook my head at Mr for scolding Sen because she shouted out an answer because she was the only one really excited about the lesson to begin with.
At this point the homework review seemed endless and the class was disgruntled and praying for the bell which sounds like a microphone when its next to metal. At this point Mr began a speech about how math is learned and how it isn't.
Realizing I was loosing my grip on my surroundings I asked to go to the restroom. When I left the room there was one other person in the hall and I frightened her with my odd tendency of gliding; I walked in a way that didn't make sound to other people but I certainly heard it.
Sometimes I didn't realize I scared people until it was too late to take by what I had done.
After drowning my face in cold water, the only kind of water in this bathroom, I glided back to my class apparently opening the door too quietly because Sen jumped up screaming "Holy crap, you scared me." I smiled because that's all it ever took to relax Sen, to relax anyone.
Bell. Lunch, escape. Bell.
I had English today and English in Panther High was torture for anyone who actually like the subject or literature, especially as much I do. Today's topic was plagiarism for the third year in a row.
Work cited, mistake, paper. A lot of words in between as MLA format was discussed. Ms. DeFaux my lackluster English teacher with a horrible melody wrapped around her every word dangled AP English essays in front of the class hoping to stir interest, fail.
I never had good experiences with my English teachers and I know the cause of it: I wanted my words to go unchanged and they wanted to make them better.
I pray for the bell. Sweet bell, toll like the broken machine you are.
Bell. Spanish.
Spanish is the best worst part of the day.
The best because the day is coming to its rightful end, worst because the classmate that sit in front of me doesn't have the sweetest scent which is horrible for me because my sense of smell is painfully strong.
So as I sit in my seat in the back I unlace my facade as no one really cares at the end of the day. No one talks to me in class they talk around me.
Announcements. Prayer .Bell. Service.
I tutor for my mandatory service but I love the children we only have to teenagers that come to be teenagers but their guys so they integrate quite well with kids, in a good way of course.
No facade needed. Children are easier, they don't try too hide how they felt especially not from me because I could read an expression as if I were reading that persons mind.
Locker. Jacket. Walking to the bus.
The bus was fun for a while. the open window distracted me from peoples scents ad I enjoyed the air.
However after a while the bus is a test of the senses. My ears would perk in all kinds of directions and my nose was receiving everyone's scent unwillingly as the window was no help now the bus had filled. The sensation is painful and unwilling I take in all the smells nose burning and salivating, as you can see I am unpracticed with the norm.
This test of endurance usually ended with me getting off the bus and walking a little before taking my next bus. That' s my day until I can curl up in my desk chair and read my time away just like every other night.
By 8:15 the facade is completely sealed, not a seam loose to be yanked on thrusting me into the fetal position.
I get through my first class of the morning, Religion, listening to my two group members reveal sex lives. One had been sex-sober for three months and the other regaled us with the joys of sex in the shower, simply put I could not reciprocate as I have been sexually sober all seventeen years of my life.
However I find it interesting that everyone confides in me as if they know that my lips were not meant to gossip.
Bell. Homeroom, loud, bustling, hovering.
Elections were fogging up the atmosphere everyone want some grip of power because senior year is coming. Senior year.
I kept my head down feigning sleep and boredom, I've lost interest in maintaining my homeroom "companions." My head perched on my forearm listening, my body shaking as life pulsed through it, my hair tickling my nose my right hand pushing it away.
"Ladies, language!" perked my ears for a moment but the rabble continued, this life continued.
My lids encased my eyes, and I am watching still calculating every movement by ear, no one is subtle.
Bell. Algebra, cold seat.
Algebra is the class that conflicts me the most. I put on another facet, the defiant student but lately the stitches of this facade have frayed revealing my distaste for defiance and my joy of learning.
So Algebra rolled by with grunts and complaints and the prolonged "Uhms," when the confusion set in; every teachers dream I'm sure.
The interesting aspect of the classroom was that all the desks faced a large center aisle, one side of the room looking at the other. The conversations across the room are the most interesting. Whenever I find myself dazed my eyes would flicker across the faces of my classmates reading their expressions. However I looked at their moves today, concealing gum, lollipops, wrapped around pen caps or hidden behind hands or heads. Odd I know.
SAE smiled at me as I shook my head at Mr for scolding Sen because she shouted out an answer because she was the only one really excited about the lesson to begin with.
At this point the homework review seemed endless and the class was disgruntled and praying for the bell which sounds like a microphone when its next to metal. At this point Mr began a speech about how math is learned and how it isn't.
Realizing I was loosing my grip on my surroundings I asked to go to the restroom. When I left the room there was one other person in the hall and I frightened her with my odd tendency of gliding; I walked in a way that didn't make sound to other people but I certainly heard it.
Sometimes I didn't realize I scared people until it was too late to take by what I had done.
After drowning my face in cold water, the only kind of water in this bathroom, I glided back to my class apparently opening the door too quietly because Sen jumped up screaming "Holy crap, you scared me." I smiled because that's all it ever took to relax Sen, to relax anyone.
Bell. Lunch, escape. Bell.
I had English today and English in Panther High was torture for anyone who actually like the subject or literature, especially as much I do. Today's topic was plagiarism for the third year in a row.
Work cited, mistake, paper. A lot of words in between as MLA format was discussed. Ms. DeFaux my lackluster English teacher with a horrible melody wrapped around her every word dangled AP English essays in front of the class hoping to stir interest, fail.
I never had good experiences with my English teachers and I know the cause of it: I wanted my words to go unchanged and they wanted to make them better.
I pray for the bell. Sweet bell, toll like the broken machine you are.
Bell. Spanish.
Spanish is the best worst part of the day.
The best because the day is coming to its rightful end, worst because the classmate that sit in front of me doesn't have the sweetest scent which is horrible for me because my sense of smell is painfully strong.
So as I sit in my seat in the back I unlace my facade as no one really cares at the end of the day. No one talks to me in class they talk around me.
Announcements. Prayer .Bell. Service.
I tutor for my mandatory service but I love the children we only have to teenagers that come to be teenagers but their guys so they integrate quite well with kids, in a good way of course.
No facade needed. Children are easier, they don't try too hide how they felt especially not from me because I could read an expression as if I were reading that persons mind.
Locker. Jacket. Walking to the bus.
The bus was fun for a while. the open window distracted me from peoples scents ad I enjoyed the air.
However after a while the bus is a test of the senses. My ears would perk in all kinds of directions and my nose was receiving everyone's scent unwillingly as the window was no help now the bus had filled. The sensation is painful and unwilling I take in all the smells nose burning and salivating, as you can see I am unpracticed with the norm.
This test of endurance usually ended with me getting off the bus and walking a little before taking my next bus. That' s my day until I can curl up in my desk chair and read my time away just like every other night.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
The First Thing
So this is what I am. I am a hikikomori, a Japanese word with a negative connotation, meaning shut-in and recluse. However I am sure you will find this connotation is no reflection on the hikikomori themselves rather on their decision to be one.
To build a better picture of myself I think it best to explain what I do as a hikikomori: nothing. That is the joy and the sin of what I am, not by choice and not entirely through fear but through the movements I have made in my life.
So why blog? Well I suppose that comes with too much explanation and the easy way too put it is that I want to be happy. I want to walk with my head facing forward rather than buried in my chest, I want to be honest, I want to know what it feels like to be outside. Everyday feels like a lie when I am like this, especially now. I lie to people that I allow to pretend to be my friends and I try my best to behave accordingly but it is difficult considering my surroundings, an all girl high school. The decision to attend an all girl school didn't prompt me becoming a shut-in but it certainly did not help. I have been a shut in for five years, and before my eighteenth birthday I would like to discover some semblance of happiness outside of my closet.
I only ask you be patient with me because I am not very trusting but I am willing to change for happiness.
To build a better picture of myself I think it best to explain what I do as a hikikomori: nothing. That is the joy and the sin of what I am, not by choice and not entirely through fear but through the movements I have made in my life.
So why blog? Well I suppose that comes with too much explanation and the easy way too put it is that I want to be happy. I want to walk with my head facing forward rather than buried in my chest, I want to be honest, I want to know what it feels like to be outside. Everyday feels like a lie when I am like this, especially now. I lie to people that I allow to pretend to be my friends and I try my best to behave accordingly but it is difficult considering my surroundings, an all girl high school. The decision to attend an all girl school didn't prompt me becoming a shut-in but it certainly did not help. I have been a shut in for five years, and before my eighteenth birthday I would like to discover some semblance of happiness outside of my closet.
I only ask you be patient with me because I am not very trusting but I am willing to change for happiness.
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